my refections about intrinsic design
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My refections about intrinsic design
My father used to keep a note in the pocket of his blue work shirt, with two columns: one of plus signs, one of minuses. He used the columns to score my behavior and determine whether I had earned privileges and rewards. This did not have the intended effect. Reflecting on how I responded to and resisted this parenting technique has helped me understand myself and others in new ways.
I had misgivings about the system, but I put them aside and tried to make it work. Nonetheless, my fears were confirmed quickly. A negative mark was easy to gain and difficult to prevent, and on some days I received many of them. If my spoon made a noise against my teeth, I got a negative. If I looked unhappy about that, I got another; if I objected, yet another. I couldn’t avoid negatives, no matter how hard I tried. They accumulated quickly: the column reached the bottom of the page and overflowed onto another next to it, and then another.
teering for chores. But I never seemed to get credit; it felt like I was being scrutinized for imperfections anything positive was overlooked. After many weeks, I had only a few pluses in the good column. I don’t remember what I had to do to earn them, which feels significant to me now. I remember asking for a plus sign and getting a minus for asking, à la Oliver Twist. I remember doing the day’s dishes for my family of six, and my mother advocated for me, but that still wasn’t enough: I was told that plus signs were rewards for special efforts.
That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I decided that no matter how hard I tried, playing by the rules would get me nowhere. I had no hope of gaining the advantage my good behavior should have earned me, so I rebelled against the scoring system. This escalated until I faced punishment, but I protested stubbornly.
The other significant factor was the importance of right and wrong and a correct understanding of reality.
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